The Bottom Drawer Forums

OR-Tacoma wrote: Wed Jul 31, 2024 2:04 am Hi Ben

I applaud you for posting. When I was your son’s age my mom purchased some bikinis for me (it was a little more popular back in the 80s) though I still carried a lot of shame and fear. I longed for something skimpier, like string bikinis (and much later thongs). I too remembered cutting some up underwear to try and make my own string bikinis. (My mom was upset cause I had ruined perfectly good underwear—albeit with good intentions unbeknownst to her). I really appreciate how you are trying to be with your son, and I wish my dad had done the same for me (though my dad did the best he could given his circumstances I guess).

I think this is all part of growing up, becoming a young man, puberty, and the natural evolution of masculinity and sexuality at his age. It’s scary and new as a parent, but I think it’s natural, okay, and healthy. What a great healthy opportunity for your son to explore this in a healthy way while being supported by you. This is an opportunity to really reinforce a long-term relationship with your son and let him express himself and give him agency.

I think allowing him to wear skimpier underwear is different than allowing kids to be “sexualized” at a young age. I don’t think that is going on here. I think your son is about at the cusp since 14 is around the start of a freshman year and high school. I worry about our society’s sexualizing kids at a young age (male and especially female) combined with the easy access to pornography, etc. I think I would be extremely alarmed if my child was consuming toxic pornography, engaging in sexual activity, etc. at this age—much more than wanting to wear a thong. Exploring skimpy underwear, their own desires, etc., is still totally healthy and natural—especially at 14… Even if something more nefarious and inappropriate were going on, I would still want to have an open and honest line of communication, express love, discuss concerns and consequences while also setting and maintaining firm boundaries.

Another thing to think about. We were “required” to wear jockstraps in gym in junior high school (they never really checked thank god). What’s the difference between a thong and a jockstrap when it comes down to it? Frankly, a thong is more comfortable in my humble opinion.

When I think back to his age, I wanted to wear skimpy underwear, to look cool, to be attractive to women, be accepted, and I certainly wasn’t out pursuing sexual encounters with girls, consuming toxic pornography, or other things I was far too young for (though I did have a natural curiosity). And there I was somehow—I knew I wanted to wear skimpy underwear. And here I am decades later embodying what I feel comfortable in and rocking it. I was absolutely right on when I was young and could not fully pursue that comfortably and without shame or embarrassment. He might be right on, and this is an opportunity to pursue this and express himself in an avenue where this is no shame.

BTW, I will also say that I really dislike social media. I am gravely concerned about the effect it is having on the development of youth. However, it can also be an avenue to ideas that they might not have ever known about. I still have grave concerns about it for our youth… (Though I still like following some interesting topics on Instagram. I’ve learned not to follow anything that makes me feel bad or anxious, and I use it very sparingly.)

Depending on where you are geographically, the culture of your particular community, and the kind of kids at your school, it might be fine. I live in a liberal area, and depending on what school your child goes to in the community where I live, it might not be an issue for other kids. Heck, my godchildren knew things at your son’s age that I did not know until I was in my 30s and married. (Oh my god - I still remember what one of them said at the dinner table…)Your son’s desire to wear thong underwear is less shocking. I think this is healthy and normal.

There are functional things to keep in mind. I agree with what others have said. As a young man, he might not want to wear thongs where kids might see him until he is of such an age he can hold his own if he is harassed or bullied. He might want to have a few every day thongs, then give him something new to try here and there as a present. He could then have nice, maybe nice trunks or boxer briefs he could wear for when people might see him change. Like others said, you could also give him some bikinis and/or string bikinis to try. If his mom didn’t like his underwear choice, he could have a sit of underwear at your place and then a set when he is with his mom. If he were younger than 14, I would start him with something else then progress as he was older. Wearing a belt so your pants down fall down (and tucking your shirt in) also helps.

What to say to your ex? I don’t know. I don’t know much about your ex, her culture, upbringing, beliefs, values, etc. Some of that could be in play there. It sounds like there is some rigidity there, which is caused by something. I am sure some of her own baggage, values, fears, et al., are coming to play in her reaction. Being an advocate for your son is always good, while also respecting your wife’s opinions and beliefs and emphasizing them. It’s almost like you are having to affirm two things at the same time: 1) that your wife is bothered by what your son wants to wear and will prohibit it at her house and 2) that your son like and wants to wear skimpy underwear. Ask her if she can defer to her son and his choice. It will have to happen sooner or later and this is a small issue comparatively. This is just her son getting older, expressing his masculinity, and expressing his preferences. I do think she is mistaken, and that this is just foreign to her hence her reaction. I would say keep the conversation going, keep an open line to her, respect her decision (as she must respect yours), and keep supporting your son. Worse case he has separate rules at her house and your son has the opportunity to express his choice of underwear at your house.

Another thing is to just make his underwear a matter of fact at home. It’s nothing special. That’s what your son wants to wear and that’s his business. Nothing special. That might diffuse tension with his brother. And if his brother tormented him, you can address it. (Sometimes diffusing it by ignoring it, not giving it any attention, or making it not socially acceptable and looked down upon, not giving it any special attention, and not laughing might help. If his younger brother makes a joke and folks just ignore it (or address it appropriately) and move on, then he might see - he is not getting any attention out of this or that it is not socially acceptable ).

I wish you and your son all the best in this new phase of becoming a young man. I hope this is helpful.

Microbikiniman wrote: Wed Jul 31, 2024 10:10 am Ben, I would also like to welcome you to the Forum, and applaud your courage to reach out to us. I also applaud the other members who are reaching out with heartfelt advice. I think I may have some additional points to make. First: I'm 72 years (young! ), fit, healthy and gay. One point I give you in welcome is something discussed here frequently: no matter his age, a man's choice of underwear or swimwear does NOT make him gay! As with you, your ex, and everyone else, your sons' sexuality is set for life. I think, down deep, we all know that, but many people prefer to follow the "herd mentality" and let others do their thinking for them. As for bullying by so-called "peers," what gives THEM the right to dictate what YOUR SON'S choices are? All of us must live our lives expressing the courage of our convictions. Our underwear is a PRIVATE matter. Unless we are changing in the locker room, for example, no one else sees it or knows about it. Using your son as an example (like any other man, for that matter) here is what he can enjoy: comfort under clothes, support, and a cooler approach to everyday clothing on warm or hot days (either at home or travelling, for example). And yes, your son is going through puberty (the hormones are raging! ), just like you and me! Wearing microwear is NOT "sexualizing" your son. It IS (from my way of thinking) simply one part of a holistic approach of one's desire to be a sensual and sexual being like other adults. Two other points! First, your other son is 11, so guess what's on the way! Be the dad you want to be with both of them. There's nothing wrong with frank, loving talk with both of them, both individually and the three of you together. They need to know that they are both welcome to come to you at any time with questions or concerns. No matter what their sexuality turns out to be, they need to learn what they need to do to protect themselves, and also boundaries and respect in interactions with others. I think the experienced members will give you all kinds of advice on specific brands and sources of good-quality thongs which your son can try as everyday clothing. He could try bikinis and string bikinis as well to see which he likes best. If your sons are close and can work their way past the "ribbing," who knows, the 11-year-old may become naturally curious and want to try some as well. Second: Dad, consider trying some microwear for yourself! Read the posts as you settle in, for a wide variety of opinions, reviews, and all-around "support" (if you'll pardon the pun! ). I think you will be pleasantly surprised by the comfort, support, and sexy feel you will have! (And since underwear is a private matter in everyday living, your colleagues at work, friends and neighbors will have NO idea what you're rockin' !) By the way, we had a young man in Texas (about your older son's age) reach out to the Forum himself for advice on microwear. Several of us tried to provide reasonable, appropriate advice, and it was a great experience. Since this is basically anonymous postings, I think the others would agree that your son would be welcome to reach out to us with questions about microwear should he like to. Our answers would be appropriate and considerate, and you could read them together if you like. It would give him a chance to organize his thoughts and ask questions in the way that is necessary for any person to be successful in life no matter our journey! I hope you will keep us informed of your progress, tell your older son we welcome him on this journey as well, and tell your younger son that the best underwear does NOT have enough fabric to cover a pony!

OR-Tacoma wrote: Thu Aug 01, 2024 12:31 am This is wonderful advice Microbikiniman!!!

I had to learn, at an older age, you cannot worry about what people are going to think about you. When you get inappropriate teasing, etc, it’s information about those people (not judgement about you). It’s information about them and that tells you who who you can let into your friendship circle and who should remain outside. And if you cultivate and exude confidence in healthy ways, people will take notice and respect it. Rock it!

I think we as males forget that if young women can go through a similar phase, change how they want to dress, etc. , and it’s perfectly normal for young men to do that too!!! It’s acceptable normal and healthy for young women and it’s healthy and acceptable for young men.

Hopefully we evolve and become less oppressed!

This is a wonderful topic!

David_NC wrote: Thu Aug 01, 2024 1:18 pm Ben, welcome to the group. My son is 4 so I have not experienced the question from a parent's stand point, but I was a 14 year boy many years ago. When I was 12 or so I cut up some old BVD white briefs into a string bikini; but they were not great obviously. I grew up in the 80/90s and it was more common/acceptable for men to wear skimpier underwear - think Jim Palmer Jockey ads. Well when it was time for back to school shopping, I asked my mom for a pack of string-bikinis from k-mart, they weren't expensive so she wouldn't be out much. She asked why I wanted them, explained how I had seen advertisements with men wearing them and thought they were cool. I also got boxers and regular briefs for gym class. I wore the string-bikinis on days I didn't have gym class, so no one in school knew I was wearing them. I was chubby and the string-bikini helped to boost my self confidence - as strange as that sounds. Well as the years went on, I was fortunate enough to get some Jockey Elance bikinis (the good ones in the tube) I learned that I just prefer skimpier/minimal style underwear. I live in the south, its hot and humid and another layer of clothes just sucks. I think there have been some great suggestions from the other members, having a set of underwear at your house for your son to try is great - but I wouldn't suggest keeping that a "secret" to long from the ex - that could get messy and I really don't have advice for that. Maybe you could buy him some inexpensive string-bikinis first, he may not like them after all - or he may fall in love with them, most of us here did. I think it is very brave of your son to ask you for something like this. And I think it is very open minded for you to seek advice. I hope this group can help you and your son navigate this portion of the teenage years - because it will get rougher I'm sure.
Just a quick background, I'm straight, in my 40s, married to a pretty open minded wife, we have two kids and I wear thongs pretty much daily, I have trunks but don't like all the extra material. And I hope that one day if I am in your shoes I am able to handle the situation with as much maturity as you have.